My inner self can be harsh at times

Today was the first day I have felt homesick. I was sitting in a taxi on my way back to base when the cab driver decided to turn on country music. Haha of course Lady Antebellum would make anyone want to be home, especially when NEVER ALONE came on and all I thought about was Kappa Delta. It hit me that I am missing my last semester in college with all of my friends. I was thinking to myself “Self, why did you even want to do this in the first place? This isn’t your personality! It would have been way better for you to stay home where it is comfortable and familiar. Where everyone loves you and wants to spend time with you. Why would you leave that, dumb dumb?” (My inner self can be very hostile sometimes). And for a few minutes I let myself wallow in the dread and fear that I made a mistake.

Since I haven’t been able to make it to a regular church service (it’s on a different base) I have been listening to as many podcasts as I can. I listened to Lifechurch.tv’s podcast recently and the sermon was on living in fear. Craig said something that hit me. It wasn’t one of those sermons in which I nod and think “oh yeah, that makes sense I should do that” but then leave and not change anything. It was a sermon that rocked my world. I would say that I live in fear that things won’t go the way I plan. Exhibit A: I am fearful that I will never get married. Lame, I know. Hopefully I am not alone in this fear, however unsound it may be. Exhibit B: I am fearful that I may have made the wrong decision about coming to England. But Craig said something that gut-punched me. He said that whatever we fear, is the area that we trust God the least. Plain and simple. Duh. Obviously, whatever I worry about is what I trust God with the least. If I am worrying about something, it is the same as me saying “God I don’t trust you with this area of my life”. When I realized that Craig was talking directly to me, he said something that will help me overcome these fears. He suggested to just close your eyes, and say right then and there to God, “God, I know that you are still on the throne. You have never left. You haven’t changed. You are still in control of what happens in my life and you have been there in the good and the not so good. You remain the same and I can take comfort in that.”

So, in my taxi ride, I said that prayer. And I literally felt calmer and more at peace. Now, am I completely worry free? No. But I am learning how to solely find my assurance through Him and not through my own planning.

“I have never known more than fifteen minutes of anxiety or fear. Whenever I feel fearful emotions overtaking me I just close my eyes and thank God that He is still on the throne reigning over everything and I take comfort in His control over all the affairs of my life.” ~ John Wesley